Realization
by senselesswords
Summary: There's no glory in real life and things are not the way we imagined, Kudo sees all his illusions fall in a single moment. Third chapter: Understanding. Shinichi X Ai, not in that way, an action that would burden him for the rest of his days . One-shots.
1. Chapter 1

The floor felt cold as his back slowly started to trembler…

**Warnings:** This is my first fic ever, so please try to read the complete story without sleeping on the middle of it. Reviews are always welcomed.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Detective conan, I don't want to I prefer to be surprised than being the responsible for maintaining too many expectation around the globe, though I'd really like being able to suggest time to time some ideas to mister Gosho Aoyama.

**Realization**

The floor felt cold as his back slowly started to tremble…

So this was it, no sound of triumph nor the final smile of her face greeting him, there was no glory in the moment, he was alone, totally alone, like many of those unknown faces that you see past by you. But he had expected in his childish mind that for him things would go differently. He had been so full of himself, "the great Shinichi Kudo, one of the most talented boys you could ever find", "the keen Edogawa Conan, just a brilliant boy", those were the kind of thoughts that he always nourished, and in a way he always felt special, but not anymore.

The realization came to his mind within the last minutes of his life, he was nothing more than a 17 year old teen, with no real experience in the matters of the real world, his so called "love" was nothing more than a girl that hadn't lived yet, who just had a mere crush on him, but due to his age she had dramatically center him as is soul mate, but in a couple of years he would only be a good memory of a nice guy that she knew.

Still, he said to himself, I've come to know a great deal of people, such as Megure Keibu, Takagi and Sato, the detective boys….but no, that wasn't enough, all of them knew only the surface of him, some of them had only known the great detective of the east and the others, the others…they had the illusion of the smart boy, but non of them had known him as a whole, only that fake and so hated identity.

After all he was alone, his parents were away, they always were, coping with their frivolous obligations. When he got shot they didn't even came to visit him, of course that excuses were presented at the time, but he was really sick then, any other parent would have crossed an ocean just to comfort their son. Luckily he got better (he even went back to his old self for a moment) and there was nothing to grieve, but what if it wouldn't? He could have died and they could've continued in the States, signing autographs to his fans.

The worst of all wasn't the fact of him dying in that place, the worst was that he could never achieve his ultimate gold, he could never return to his body, to being Kudo Shinichi, and neither could bring down the Black Organization. His current state didn't due to a magnificent persecution against Gin or Vermouth, there were no FBI agents involved, there were no obscure syndicates in the run now, he was just chasing an ordinary criminal when it happened, the dark figure take out a gun and just shot at him, like any other case you can read on the newspaper, the streets were so dangerous nowadays, that even him had been a victim of the uprising violence in society. "Well, there's still Ai to bring them down, though she had never been so enthusiastic like I am in that matter", and with a grin, for a moment he pictured her as the head of the little team of detective boys, "No, that could never happen, heaven would fall before that", she most probably continue her life alone, on the run, without him there was no point in staying in Japan, after all, he was the one that had always kept her there, giving her excuses to face the syndicate instead of hiding.

The chills on his body started to grew and his mind started to blur, the pain that he was experiencing was abnormally absurd, but then again, he could swear that it was about to finish, all he could do now was wait in the dark, he had tried to call for help but he couldn't remember any more, did he actually dial a number?, everything was in a veil now, the life within him was escaping so suddenly, he tried to gasp for air, but he could only smell the dust of concrete in that narrow alley. The fear and desperation started to overtake him, dying was much more romantic in the movies, the hero never felt pain or fear because they died for a greater cause, but no, this was the real life, no big martyrs anymore. And with that idea on his mind he sank into the shades.

--

A.N.: Well this is my first fic, I know that is not a very good story, but I had to start with something, ne? Well if anyone had the guts to finish it, and didn't gave up after the first three lines, please review, I don't care if it's a bad one, but that way I'll know that at least someone read it.

And I'm sorry for my spelling, because this is the first time I write something in this language. Bye!!

Please review, please, please??


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters listed below, the only thing I do own is the imagination to write this fics.

Still on the depressed mode, so the outcome is this story. Please review and let me know what you think.

**Thanks to:** **Claude le noctambule** for reviewing the last chapter and for instructing me in the proper use of this account, and also want to thank **A Fan** (don't know who you are so I call you like that) for dropping a review.

Ran's lines are in italic, I say that because I know that some of you can think of it as Conan's thoughts.

* * *

**Let go.**

He could feel her soft skin against his, the warmth of her touch in someway was a nice feeling, but it wasn't enough to rip that sorrow out of him, the sorrow that grew bigger with every breath and dug deeper into his soul, it was as intoxicating as the poison that ran through each molecule of his body.

-"Ran, do you ever feel like forgetting him?"

-"_Conan-kun…why are you talking like th_--"

-"To end this waiting that seems to never stop?"-- he asked with his real voice, the voice that only came to him when he had no other desire than to be the real Shinichi, leaving all the cheerful tones away.

He could see Ran puzzled eyes before they shifted into an hermetic gesture, it was obvious what she was thinking, by the next second she tightened her grip on his hand, like if the now sad girl were trying to escape from the awful ideas that came to her mind. He knew she wasn't expecting this kind of question "of course, if you're the idiot who reminds her this when she was having a perfectly nice evening in her house" he thought, he hated himself for bringing this topic to the conversation but it wasn't as if he could just keep ignoring this thoughts in the back of his mind, it was necessary for him to know, to evaluate the extent of the damage.

-"You see Ran—he started again, head down staring at the floor—sometimes I wonder if this is fair for you" he need it to say it aloud, at this moment his pulse was becoming faster, as he struggled to find the courage to go on, now it was his time to squeeze his fingers harder against Ran's. –"I mean, I always see you waiting for him, and I keep wondering if…if this is worth it…I know that I told you…well… he told you to wait for him no matter what, even if it meant to—"

-_"Stop it now, please, I don't wanna hear that right now, I know he will return eventually he's just busy with his cas--"_

_-_"No, I'm just telling the truth, what every one can see" The brunette's eyes were covering in tears, tears of denial maybe? That was the impression the detective had when he saw them. A heavy silence took over the living room as the impact of those words began to crawl inside the two bodies that occupied the space, neither of them able to articulate a sound: the tall one due to the cold and oppressive sensation that was forming in her chest and throat as the meaning of those sentences started to sink in and posses all of her arguments leaving them cracked and with no proper response; the smallest, on the other hand, was speechless because he never occurred to be capable of that, "I'm so sorry Ran, the least I want is to hurt you, but it's impossible for me to continue with this lie without guilt, it hurts me more than you could ever think…but I need to" he kept repeating himself trying not to deny all that was spoken by blaming it on a cruel joke. Instead he wasn't over, other things needed, no, demanded to be said, it was about time to put everything to it's right place and clarify this pitiful situation, if it depend it on him no more people would stay in suffer because of him, no more sad faces and red eyes, he never wanted to see those eyes crying again in the dark of the night.

-"I never see you happy Ran-neechan, real happy as I imagine you were before he left, I can see the photographs in your room, you seemed so carefree then and for a time, when I first came here you were, but nowadays you don't seem to anymore, maybe it's because of me but I don't think so, you're always telling me how I remind you of him and when you do I can tell by the look on your eyes that you miss him…--he was pretending again, he was back to being Conan, pretending like he didn't knew a year ago this girl sitting now besides him, being caught by Ran could be the worst thing, and he was aware of that, so he tried to act as a child, but damn it was so hard! He would rather die in exchange for one day with her without all those lies, than keep breathing for god knows how long inside this shrunken body--…Ran-neechan I don't like to see you like this, I like when you're smiling and laughing with us, so when I notice that you're down I start to think that maybe Shinichi is not a very clever guy for leaving you in this situation…so…so maybe you should just…"

-"_Forget him, is that what you were going to say? Jeez Conan-kun, sometimes you are such a weird boy, thinking that sort of things…" _And this time she was the one pretending, her hand had left its grip and now was cleaning the tears of her cheeks, when had they appeared? She held a strange grin with her muscles, like wanting to delay this moment of her memory but unable to, and with a shrug a smile formed to meet the boy's eyes.

-"Ran-neechan…"

-"_Oi…look at the time!! The movie is over by now and I didn't even watch the end, and you didn't have homework to do? I know that you're smart an all but laziness is not something to start developing right now…"_

At that sentence he understood, the conversation was over and there was nothing more to say, he stood up from the couch and walked to the door of the living room, and there he stopped, taking the full meaning of the prior situation, finally letting the truth reach to him, stabbing him with the clarity of the unspoken words…it was time to let go, to let her continue with her normal life and tear all false hopes created, he wasn't any closer to returning to his real self as it was to bring those men down and secure the lives of all the people near him, the fact that he didn't know when all of those things would happen made him accept the correct path he must take for _her _sake, to give her a chance of being the normal teenage girl she deserved. It was with a heavy heart that the words escaped his lips.

-"Don't wait for him….he won't come back"

And with that he continued his way trough the hallway, as Ran saw the silhouette of the boy that had pronounced the most painful words she had hear, but nonetheless she couldn't help thinking that they were right.

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A.N.: This was longer than the first, and hopefully someone will like it, so I repeat what I said before, if you can drop a review you'll make me happier by knowing that I'm not such a lost case. Tried to check my spelling but if you find errors please forgive me, I'm working in my english but I can't say that I'm perfect (far from that in fact).

Chaus.

Also changed the structure of the dialog to make it more easy to read (really, before it was a mess), if you need to thank anyone that is **66ButterflyofDarkness99 **who made the suggestion of the italic dialog (that's why I made a note on the beginning of this page) and got me to think in rearrange this.


	3. Chapter 3

Here's a new chapter, I hope less depressing than the others. Also, this is the first time I actually built some real dialog (it wasn't as easy as I thought), so you're welcome to read and review ...Thanks all of those who gave me their comments.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of these characters...

* * *

**Understanding**

_You really don'__t get it….Take care, Tantei-san…_

--

The silhouette laid in the dark room, its chest moving faster as the minutes past, up and down in a painfully manner, as running an endless raise, sweaty hands clutching the sheets trying to liberate from its agony. Wet brown-grayish hair falling over the forehead, teeth pressing against each other, eyes closed so tightly that it was impossible not to notice that something in this body was wrong, and as to make any doubt disappear, a soft moan was heard.

She stared at him with worry, every time seamed to be worst, the nights had become a torture in the last days, and still she didn't know why. After a minute or so, his body started to calm, breathing was slowing its pace, his hand released the fabric and turn to his right torso landing upon an old scar, a reminder of past battles. She never knew the whole story; for what sacrifices and pains had to overcome the man next to her, she could only guess, despite the trust and love, some issues were just untouchables. Still, after so many years sharing the same bed, one could think that secrets were out of the question, and for most of the times they were, but what exactly happened in those days, the days when he returned, would be something that this woman could never know.

-Shinichi….

--

_-Haibara NOW, we don't have time!! It's done, the rest it'll come next but not today! Now we gotta go! – Shinichi said almost panicking, why wasn't she moving already? It was time to leave that place, they had the information and the proofs to bring them down, and they needed to run if they wanted a chance to use that against them._

_-Go ahead Kudo, make sure not to drop what we've stolen._

_What was happening? he thought, she was just standing there, with no sign of wanting to abandon th__e place, instead of that a freezing calm lightened her face, she was acting as if they had all the time in the world, didn't she realized where they were?, it was one of the warehouses of the Organization for god sake! Instead she simply turned around._

_-Wait, what are you doing, aren't we suppose to leave now? They'll return in any second and both of us know what that means, we got the information already._

_Shiho Miyano stopped and turn again, facing the confused and rather desperate detective. Could've been any simpler? Trying to make understand a stubborn guy like Kudo what was really happening and the consequences of that… please, she didn't want to go through it, but she needed to clarify some things._

_-There's a problem in all of this, we can't just simply take what we've found and go, they are smart, they've always been, of course….- she must get to the point quick, their...no , his time to escape was narrowing- …the information that has been taken needed a code of access to be downloaded… what we've seen and heard this night by following your lead is useless unless we had a support of evidence, which we have now, but to extract it…well… I needed to use the code that once the syndicate gave me and that exclusively belongs to me, Sherry, so as you can see they already now that we're here and what we've taken. _

_-You're code…damn it! I get that now, so more reason to leave now –Shinichi started to whisper as if Gin was already behind their backs listening to everything- considering the time we last saw them and the time we've been in here, they must be near now… _

_He was so excited of finding a new lead on the Organization that completely forgot the risk they were putting themselves into, as always when it came to this he just focused on one thing…bring those guys down and recover his body, no, his life back…and when the miraculous opportunity presented in front of him he couldn't resist it. Haibara had recognized one of the B.O. members and Conan immediately started the chase, what fabulous things were those Agasa's trackers, Haibara didn't want to come but he practically forced her to go with him. They ended up in a construction building waiting outside while the man had went inside, but then came the best part, when Gin appeared, at that point Shinichi was restraining himself from confront them and Haibara wanted nothing more than to leave. The conversation that was held between those men had key information of future plans and details that could help him be closer to confront them fully prepared, but he also heard that whatever chance he got to accomplish that laid on some part inside that building… and after a few minutes their chance arrived, while the B.O. members had gone to check on some deliver in the area, the shrunken couple managed to get inside. The rest had been easy, until now….taking the full meaning of the scientist words and knowing that their time was narrowing Shinichi finally came back to the reality of their situation._

_-…This basement isn't that far from the hall so it'll take us only a few minutes to get out, with enough luck we can still make it – by this point he was almost at the door ready to disappear from that place, hand at the doorknob._

_-Too late for that mister detective, they have cameras in the room, when I enter my code in the system apparently they were alerted of our presence and since then they've been watching us, they know what we look like now and have been playing with us ever since. Probably they're waiting at the door for us now or maybe are already coming here with their guns ready…_

_-What?! Why didn't you say something at the moment you realized, could've run a long time ago!!- He said in a whisper, giving a thorough look at the room looking for the cameras._

_-Because I think we still have a chance of getting this done, you see…as long as I am in this room they wont come for us, is me who they want, Sherry, and now they know who I am…but you… Conan Edogawa is still some kid for them, you can still manage to get out of this. Let me, please Kudo, do that one more thing for you, for me, for the memory of my sister, let me take some of the bad I have caused you by distracting them._

_-Baka…I'll never let you do that, my mission is to solve cases, uncover the truth…I wont be a part of a suicide, both of us are getting out of here today- he said again in a calm voice, as if trying to make a statement for himself as well, he took her arm and left that room on their way to a possibility of escape. After a few steps she stood firmly onto the floor, stopping their pace._

_- Haibara please, we can still make it, just need to find another exi--_

_-You really don't get it Kudo, I was never in to bring my life back, because I never had one- she said with a soft but firm voice, looking directly at him and smiling, a sad smile- I came to you to give my life a purpose: help you bringing them down, whatever comes next it's not up to me, it's up to you ...Take care, Tantei-san._

_And with that she gave him a deep look, and slowly turn away, ready to accomplish her part of the puzzle, the one that had no return._

_-Haibara…..- but she was gone._

--

He woke up in the middle of the night again, sweat covering his face, he had that nightmare again, the vivid memory of that terrible afternoon, at that moment he could only hope that Ran hadn't woken up to see him in that state, when all his demons took over him, she was a sweet and wonderful woman and he loved her for that, but there were some things that he could share with her, that were to deep to comment, he felt so guilty for what had happened that day, the decisions he took weren't something to be proud of, it was the lowest thing he had ever done……he could still hear her words as clear as that day _ "…Let me, please Kudo, do that one more thing for you… let me take some of the bad I have caused you…Take care, Tantei-san…"_. That day he had run away fallowing her wishes and managed to escape from that place, not without harm, but alive to continue his mission, to return to his normal body by taking one of the prototypes she had kept hidden in the labs waiting maybe for the right moment to give it to him. He had lived for using the information that was obtain from that building, he had been able to be a part of the fall of the syndicate and regain his life back…but still he couldn't take that vision out of his mind, the vision of him waiting hidden behind an old car waiting for her exit, waiting for seeing her escape, but that never happened, after hours on hold the detective had to realize that she would never come back, she had gave her life for a chance to continue with his own part of the puzzle.

But somehow, he didn't know why, after 25 five years he was still waiting for her…

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A.N.: Well, this is my first attempt to actually put some action in my story, I really work very hard in trying to make these characters believable, I hope that my efforts had paid. So please is very important for me that you drop a review to let me know how I did, that way I can improve. Thank to all of those who reviewed the last chapters and to the ones that had log me to their favorites and alerts too, and to them I invite you to let me know what you think this time (not only add me to your list)

As Claude le noctambule told me, the storyline is a bit shaky, but I thought that the best way to find Sherry would be to activate her codes in order to locate her, as for Kudo having a chance to escape, he was Conan at the time and all the B.O. guys saw was that, their primary target was Sherry and if she stayed behind there might be a chance to divert all their attention to her. Hope the next story as a more developed plot.

Please review...really.


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